I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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