We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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