he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
