I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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