Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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