Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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