he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
