this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
