Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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