good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
