So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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