A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There was a lot of him and a little penis
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
