If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
