I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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