My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize