apparently the secret to your success is patron
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
