remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
