i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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