I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
