Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize