I wish I could teleport
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
