My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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