Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just gift wrapped bread.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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