HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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