Christians are straight up FREAKS
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
