Moan for me like Helen Keller
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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