What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
