What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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