what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
