i permit you to call me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
