I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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