definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
