Will you blow on my dice?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
