A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
