Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Boobs speak an international language.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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