I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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