WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
