I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
