I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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