Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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