I think I died a long time ago.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I supernannyed him into submission
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
