He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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