remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize