You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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