she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
