I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
