the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
