Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
