I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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