dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
