Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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