i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
