My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
