the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
