not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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