dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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