I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
God, I missed his penis.
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