I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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