Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
