the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
