Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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