Only a mothe r could love this liver
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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