you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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