Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
