I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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