Will you blow on my dice?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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