I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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