dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
