I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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