You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
