I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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