Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
