Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize